theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
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