his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
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im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
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I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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