I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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