turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
