Betty ford says i'm here all night
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
