he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
