if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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