i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
