Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
