are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
