He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
