I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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