if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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