he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
