if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
