the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
