I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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