not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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