Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
