Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
stop calling my apartment porn island.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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