He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
