I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
