Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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