nut hugger
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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