Where did you get a picture of my penis
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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