peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
