my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
