i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I need moral support for this bender
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
