You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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