woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
