I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
