you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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