Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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