dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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