i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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