they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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