He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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