WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
