My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
