Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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