I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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