Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Randomize
