Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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