I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
