I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
