My boss' voice literally gives me gas
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
