i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
