Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
where are you?
Hypothermia
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
