if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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