I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
