he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
