I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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