just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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