I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
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I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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